Bloz The Love That Dared Not Speak Its Name
by Bloz
Summary: When the two worlds of Barrett and Loz combine; a tale of a forbidden yet unquenchable love, struggling passions, romances, hatreds and fears.
1. The early days

Blood dripped down from Barrett's opened wrists to the cold linoleum floor

Blood dripped down from Barrett's opened wrists to the cold linoleum floor. As he watched the red liquid pool slowly about his feet, he remembered the good days. He remembered the joy at the beginning, the love at the middle and now this, this at the end. But this story cannot be told without going back all the way to the beginning…

**July 16****th**

Dyne died three years ago today. I didn't remind Marlene, she's sad enough without this. I woke up, had my toast, it was yummy, deliciously yummy in fact. But then it hit me. This was the day I killed Dyne. My Dyne! How could I? I almost ended it right there in the kitchen. But no, Marlene needs me. I got dressed and headed over to the Ekklestone cemetery. It was there that I saw my … my muse, my new inspiration. I was crying over Dyne's tombstone, laying down flowers when I heard weeping. The sobs sounded delicate and almost repressed, as if the mourner didn't want to be heard crying.

I didn't want to turn around and show the mourner I'd heard, so I sat facing the tombstone but listening all the while to the sobbing. Was this some widow crying for a lost husband? A motherless girl just becoming a woman? More tears came to my eyes at these thoughts. I sniffed and wiped at them, I wanted to look like a man if I faced this mysterious mourner. At long last, the sobbing subsided into whimpers and then nothing, and I turned and walked towards the grave and the weeper. Was it a widow? No. A lost child? No. It was a full grown man sobbing like a baby.

My heart leapt into my mouth.

Not only was he the most sensitive man I had ever seen, but he was also the most striking in every aspect. He had grey-silver hair, though he must have been near my age. His features were very rough and manly, I couldn't tear my eyes off this oddly rugged yet tear stained face.

"What're you lookin' at?" the man said, noticing my gaze and wiping his nose on his wrist. I felt my face growing warmer by the second.

"You come here often?" I asked lamely. The man's features softened into the sad, forlorn face of an abandoned infant as I asked the question.

"Yeah," he said quietly in his gruff voice, "every Sunday." He said, shuffling his foot near the grave he stood by. I moved closer. "You?" the silver headed man enquired.

"Sometimes."

"Oh." He grunted. We stood in silence for some seconds, the man shuffling his feet and looking down.

"'Kay, well, I better get going." I said. He said goodbye in his husky deep voice. I came home and then cried myself to sleep. I woke up just now before this diary entry. I better make dinner for Marlene.

**July 17****th** – 2:00 PM

Couldn't sleep last night, slept at 3 or 4 AM finally. So this morning Cloud called and he was all like "wanna come over for dinner?" He's so sweet, he knows I'm going through a rough patch in my life. Again. So I think I'll go. I'll bring Marlene in case Denzel's there. Good thing Cloud invited me, almost out of Kraft Dinner.

5:17 PM

Great. Tifa my X-Friend is coming with her fiancé. That's gonna suck, but I know she'll bring little Denzel. That's good. Better get dressed now.

**July 18****th**

Wow last night was surprisingly fun. Cloud's got a new boyfriend whose kinda cute. It was weird though, cuz he had silver hair like that guy I met in the cemetery. I wonder if I'll ever meet him again, he seemed so interesting, so new. Like no one I'd ever met before. So yeah, Tifa and Rude have apparently adopted little Denzel. They're still getting the legal work done. Tifa is really annoying, she always brings the subject back to herself. Like, before last night I never knew she was a hooker once in her career. Unfortunately I do now, can't quite remember how that came up.

Yuffie and Elena from the Turks showed up which was a little odd. Personally, I thought we'd made an unspoken pact never to talk to Yuffie again but I guess I was wrong. I don't know why Cloud still invites her after she stole his television set that one time. As for Elena, I forgot she existed. Maybe Rude brought her along.

**July 19****th** – 4:30 AM

Can't sleep.

I keep thinking about that guy in the cemetery. Ugh. Maybe I'll sleep on the floor, that helps sometimes. Maybe I'll put my sailor PJs on. They're so cute and comfy. I wish I hadn't been such an idiot when the man from the cemetery had seen me. I was such a loser around him! I wish I could go back in time and redo the whole scene where I met him. I would say "Hi, I'm Barrett" and then I would have asked him his name and who he was crying for. I don't even know his name! Ugh. I bet his name is Bill. Or Dave. I'm going to try to sleep now.

Ughhh! I hate myself sometimes!!

**July 22****nd**– 11:54 PM

I've got it! Didn't Dave say he went to Ekklestone cemetery every Sunday? Of course! It says so right here in my journal entry from the 16th! I'll just go back tomorrow and seem him again! I can't believe I never thought of that. And just in time for tomorrow. I want to get an early night so I look perfect for tomorrow. When I don't sleep my eyes get puffy.

God I'm so lonely. Everyone's got a love in their life except me. I mean Cloud's got this Kadaj kid he's dating now, Tifa and Rude are engaged, Cid's got Shera and I don't have any other friends. God I'm lonely. Oh wait, there's always Vincent. Last I heard he's single too. And Yuffie, unless she's going out with that Elena chick. Oh man, is Yuffie a lesbian? I gotta caller her and ask!

_4 minutes later_

Oh my god! Everyone's got a date except me. Even Yuffie. Why didn't she tell me? Am I not her friend? I had to ask very subtly about the lesbian thing. Actually I didn't, Elena answered the phone. Talk about awkward. Okay well its passed midnight now so I must sleep. Wish me luck, diary!


	2. Cemetaries and Dinner Parties

**July 23****rd**

Yes! Yes! Yes!! I'm a romantic genius! Not that this is romantic or nothin' though, I'm _not_ gay.

So I got a good night's sleep and I looked _fabulous _this morning. I got to Ekklestone at 10:30 sharp. No one was there and my heart sank but then I remembered it had been around noon by the time I'd come last time. I walked around the graveyard several times, wishing I had a watch when I heard a motorcycle in the distance. Could this be him? I realized I would look really weird if I was just standing in the graveyard doing nothing, so I knelt down next to the closest tombstone and forced myself to look sad though I was practically bursting with excitement. Sure enough, the motorcycle pulled up near the churchyard and I heard the crunch of boot on gravel and I braced myself. I read the name of the tombstone quickly as the boots approached. It read "Sephiroth" which I sounded out in my head and then shouted "Why!? Why Sephiroth why did you have to end it?! No no no no!" I wailed. The boots behind me stopped. I prayed it was my man.

I spun around, pretending to wipe tears away when I saw him. It was _him._

"You knew Sephiroth?" he asked and I felt like I had a minor heart attack.

"well of course I knew Sephiroth. You knew him too?"

"Uh.. yeah, I visit his grave every Sunday!" the man sounded somewhat annoyed.

"Maybe he mentioned you, what's your name?" I asked him skilfully.

"Loz. He must have mentioned me. We were like brothers."

"Oh yeah, he talked about you lots." I said. Smooooth.

"So how did you know him?" he asked in his smokey voice.

"We…uh…worked together."

"WHAT??" shouted Loz, throwing his hands in the air.

"Just kiddin'" I recovered, "we all knew Sephiroth liked working alone." I grinned, praying I was right.

"Yeaah…so uh, how did you really know him then?"

"Listen Loz," I said, relishing his smooth name on my tongue, "I'm _really_ busy right now. Why don't you call me some time. I mean I _loved_ Sephiroth and I'd love to talk something." I said drawing a fast breath and before he could speak I handed him a small slip of paper. "Here's my number. Call me if you miss him and need to talk." Loz looked sceptically at the paper. I admit, it must have been odd looking too see me whip out a paper with my number already on it like I was expecting this. Who cares if it looked weird? He's got my number!

Aha! I'm so happy with the way everything went. Loz! What a manly name! If I could rename Marlene I'd name her Loz! I'm in heaven.

**July 23****rd**** -- **4:18 PM

Ahh! I'm so ecstatic! I think I'll throw a dinner party! No more loneliness for me! I can throw this party knowing my days of being single are limited. Let's see, who will I invite? I'll look through my phone book. Ok, I'll call Cid and Shera, Cloud, maybe Hojo if I'm desperate, Reno if he's in town, Rude and Tifa, Vincent and I suppose Yuffie.

-- 4:28 PM

Cid and Shera can come. I called Cloud and he said he'd come with Kadaj, but then I remembered something.

"Do you know anyone called Sephiroth?" I asked him eagerly. The name sounded familiar and I needed to get my facts straight before Loz called. I waited for Cloud's answer but none came.

"Cloud?" there was more silence then a sob came from Cloud's end. "What's wrong?? Are you crying?"

"Don't you remember? He commit suicide. Why did he do it!? Why!? He used to be so happy to be alive and-"

"Woah, you're crying? Were you good friends?" I asked. Cloud didn't answer but I heard the muffled sounds of sobbing and then another voice in the background from Cloud's end of the line.

"Cloud baby what's wrong?" the new voice asked. I assumed this was Kadaj. Cloud explained that I had forgotten who Sephiroth was though he'd only died a month ago. There was a pause and then I heard the sound of two people crying. I hung up. Better call everyone else.

-- 5:15 PM

Sweey. Everyone except Yuffie can come. And maybe Reno. I called Rude, he's very rude sometimes no pun intended.

"Great," I said when he accepted the invitation, "and by the way, is Reno in town?"

"Yes." Rude said.

"Perfect, I'm gonna call him and ask if he'll show tonight."

"Don't."

"Why not? Don't you like hi-"

"I'll call him. If you invite him he won't come."

"Why not!? It's my party."

"Yeah but he doesn't like you." Rude hung up. What a jerk! And we went to school together!

**July 24****th**– 10:53 PM

Well my party sure was interesting. Cloud and Kadaj arrived first (typical) looking hurt. I decided to tell them about my adventures with Loz. I had only just begun when the doorbell rang again. I didn't even get to mention Loz's name. It was Hojo.

"What's for dinner?" he asked, pushing past me. Then I realized. They'd probably want food. Shit. I excused myself to go to the "bathroom" so I could run to Marlene's room. We agreed if I served KD for dinner, she'd make Baked Alaska for dessert. When I came back to the living room, Rude and Tifa had arrived. They had brought a man and four other girls with them.

"Who the hell is he?" I asked, pointing to the man. He and Rude glared but Tifa explained that this was Reno and that I'd invited him. I took Tifa into the other room for a minute.

"That's not Reno." I whispered.

"Yeah, he is." Tifa whispered back.

"No no. Reno's black. We went to school together."

"No, he's not. You went to school?"

"Briefly. Then who the hell am I thinking of?" I was sure Reno wasn't that girly-boy in the living room. "Who are the girls?" I said, hoping I wasn't supposed to know them already.

"I can't remember their names. Reno brought them." She said. Useless. She walked back into the living room and I went into the kitchen to prepare dinner. I finished cookie the Kraft Dinner in record time, mixed in the ketchup and was about to serve it when I heard knocking at the door. It was Cid and Shera who had brought a bottle of wine with them. I realized I'd forgotten to serve any drinks.

"Hey! Thanks for coming." I said, reaching for the bottle."

"That's mine." Said Cid, extinguishing his cigarette on my shoulder. I served drinks and the KD once they were in. Only Vincent was missing. I ended up sitting next to Reno on one side and Hojo on the other as we sat down to dinner.

"So, Reno, who are your friends?" I asked, pointing to the four girls who came with him.

"Trish, Cynthia, Stacey and Kandie" He said, turning away from me.

"Where'd you meet them?" I asked. He turned back looking exasperated.

"Bermuda."

"What were you doing in Bermuda?"

"I … live there." He looked down at his untouched KD. I smiled sadly, having already finished mine. I could hear Marlene in the kitchen cooking. I sure hoped she knew how to make Baked Alaska.

"So what were you saying about your new found love earlier, Barrett?" asked Cloud breaking the silence.

"Okay, well I met _the _more adorable man in the graveyard yesterday."

"Ooooh, what did he look like?" asked Tifa. Rude and Cid looked around uncomfortably. They didn't enjoy this topic.

"Well, he had silver hair, like you Kadaj, but he was much more manly than you. He had stubble and the cutest butt." I said quickly. Rude looked very awkward and Cid coughed. Tifa giggled and Kadaj looked somewhat upset.

"What's his name?" asked Kandie… or one of the other girls. I'm not sure.

"Loz." I said, looking at their faces to gage their reactions.

"You bastard!" shouted Kadaj, throwing his full bowl of KD at me. "He's too good for you! You stay away from him or I'll kill you!" he screamed. We were all in shock except Cid who was laughing.

"I…" I began.

"No! You don't do anything! You just back away, okay?" Kadaj stood up and Cloud did too, putting a hand on his shoulder. He whispered things like calm down and careful, but Kadaj pushed him away. "You understand me?" he said.

"Why are you so protective of him anyways?" I asked.

"We're brothers, okay? Loz is the tough, manly one. He needs someone better than you. He deserves it. If you like Loz, just stay away from, him." Kadaj sat back down, shaking. We sat in silence for a few minutes. Everyone gave me sympathetic looks except Cid who was grinning and Reno who was whispering something to Trish. Just then Marlene came in carrying a massive desert. She put it on the table, bowed and exited. I cut and served it in silence. Just then, the doorbell rang. I thanked god silently and ran to answer it. It was Vincent.

"Sorry I'm late, working." He said.

"Oh thanks for coming. Listen, we've got a _really _awkward situation right now, can you go liven things up for me?"

"Sure. Trust me." He said, following me to the table where everyone ate the elaborate dessert in silence. I couldn't help but notice Vincent was wearing eye liner and smelled vaguely of perfume.

"Oh hey Vincent!" said Tifa, standing up.

"Hey babe," he said, kissing her enthusiastically on the lips.

"Woah! What the hell?" said Rude, standing up and cracking his knuckles.

"You look hot tonight, Rude." Said Vincent, pinching his ass. Rude then punched Vincent savagely in the stomach.

"Woah! Hey! That's not what I meant, Vinnie." I said, trying to pull Rude away from him.

"Vincent I wish you'd stop dressing like a salvation army blew up on you." Hojo said sneering. Vincent just took a chair and sat down gasping. The rest of the evening went quite smoothly, apart from Rude and Kadaj who glared the whole evening.

And now, I'm still waiting for a call from Loz. Maybe Kadaj told him I think he has a cute ass. UGH I hate myself for saying that!!


	3. The Game Begins

July 25th -- 11:03 AM

**July 25****th** -- 11:03 AM

He called! He actually me called! Oh my god. I can't believe this. Is this a dream? Ok, so the phone rang and I grabbed it right away. To be honest, I've been sitting near a phone ever since Sunday. It rang and I braced myself for the worst.

"Hi, is this Barrett?" said a rough, manly voice in my ear. I swallowed.

"Yo. It's me." Yo?! I can't believe I said 'yo'.

"Oh, hi. Um…It's Loz. I know this might sound a bit funny, but do you wanna meet somewhere for a coffee sometime?" YES! His brother or whatever is Kadaj is mustn't have said anything about me.

"Oh, I'd love to. When?"

"We'll I'm not doing anything right now."

"Oh. I don't think I'm busy today, hang on," I said, holding the phone between my head and shoulder I rustled some papers around so he thought I might be checking a date book or calendar. Smooth move, Mr Wallace. "Nope…I'm cool for today."

"Great. So uh, wanna meet at the Starbucks on Main Street in say-"

"Twenty minutes?" I asked.

"Exactly."

"Okay. Sounds good."

"Okay."

"See you then."

"Right. Bye." I hung up awkwardly and then got up to dance around the room. "Yes! Yes! Yes!" I shouted, rummaging through the drawers for my favourite shirt.

"Daddy?" Marlene asked, staring at me from the hallway, "when are we having breakfast?"

"Later. Daddy's gotta go now, sweety. Byee!" I said, pulling my mesh shirt on quickly but carefully so I wouldn't rip it.

"Should I make those eggs Benedict for when you get back?"

"Sure." I said and raced away.

So here I am right now at Starbucks. It's only been 18 minutes but he's not here yet. Maybe I'm at the wrong Starbucks. Are there two on Main Street? Whatever. I'm gonna stop writing now so he doesn't see that I keep a journal.

**July 25****th**– 5:35 PM

I'm in love! I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love.

**July 26****th**– 7:18 AM

Okay, so here's what happened. Loz got to Starbucks three minutes late which was _so _blasé. I think?? So he comes up to me and we ordered drinks. I got my usual low-fat coffee cappuccino and he got a cinnamon dolce latté. We sat down and I realized I didn't know what to say if he asked me about Sephiroth.

"Kadaj said you were talking about me." He said suddenly.

"What?!" I started to panic.

"Is it true you think I'm adorable?" he asked.

"I never said that!" I exclaimed in horror. _How embarrassing_.

"Oh." He looked down into his latté.

"Why?" I asked. He looked disappointed and didn't answer. I suddenly grabbed his chin and made his eyes meet mine. "Why?"

He looked directly into my eyes then broke away. "This is stupid." He said, getting up with his latté.

"No wait!" I said, reaching across the table to pull him back into his seat.

"Okay, so I thought you were cute. In a manly way." I admitted, feeling and looking awkward.

"Listen, Barrett, if I didn't like you, I wouldn't have come here today. I came because no matter what Kadaj says about you, I don't care. I _want _to be here. So tell me," He said, smiling again and looking confidently into my face, "what exactly did you tell Kadaj that made him so upset?"

"Well, I said that you had a cute… uhh…" I trailed off awkwardly, not wanting to spoil the already delicate situation.

"Cute what?"

"Um… a cute nose."

"Oh, really? And that upset Kadaj?" he didn't believe me.

"Well I also uh…. I also said you had a" I braced myself, "a cute ass." I finished as quietly as I could. I was looking at the table wincing. He didn't say anything I looked up and found him to be chuckling.

"What?! What's so funny." I asked.

"You. You're hilarious. You're so embarrassed!"

"Well, I mean, look, I really like you and stuff, Loz, but it's weird saying 'you're cute' to another man."

"You're not gay?" asked Loz.

"Well, it's just-"

"It's okay if you're not, I just figured you were" he said.

I have to go work soon, so I'll finish this diary entry up. We talked and talked and sat there for an hour and a half. It ended with him giving me his number. He said I was fun to talk to!! I'm gonna call him later today.

--1:06 PM

The kids just went back to school. I wonder if Loz knows I run a day care. Maybe he knows someone who could come to it. Right now, my only kids are Marlene, Denzel, Cheswick (Cid's kid) and Elena's mentally handicapped Crispin.

-- 1:36 PM

Tifa just called, she's coming over. I hate how she invites herself over like that!!

-- 5:30 PM

Finally! I thought she'd never leave. So she came over acting all innocent and such but soon I found out what she wanted from me. She started off by comforting me about the Kadaj thing at my party and I said "I could really care less." So then she made me tell her all about Loz. I've wanted to call him all day but I don't want to look too eager. So I'm going to call him soon and ask if he wants to do something Friday night for dinner. If he doesn't answer, I'll leave this message I wrote:

"Hey Loz, it's me Barrett. I was just wondering if you wanted to do something Friday, maybe grab some dinner. Call me back, bye."

-- 5:47 PM

Shit! I called his house and I'm pretty sure Kadaj picked up. I hung up without speaking. I'll call back later. I wish I had his cell phone number.

**July 27****th**

Tomorrow Loz and I are going to The Homely Times Diner for dinner. I'm sooooooooooo excited!! Today I was wondering about the future. In 20 years from now, when I read this diary, will I laugh or cry? Will I have forgotten Loz? Will I live with him? Will I even be alive? So many questions. I guess only time will tell…


	4. Of Warm Summer Nights

July 28th

**July 28****th**

Loz is _so _funny. Last night he told me that I'm beautiful. God he's cute. Rude's throwing a going away party for Reno and Tifa invited me. If Kadaj wasn't going I'd bring Loz. Maybe I won't go if he can't come. It's Monday night so I'll think about it.

**July 29****th**

I _looooove _Cloud. Well, not really love, but he's so sweet. I guess that's why we're best buds. So I told him about Loz not being able to come if Kadaj was going. He was so understanding. He said he won't tell Kadaj about the party so I can bring my Loz! The party is tomorrow. I'm so excited!

**July 30****th**** - late, almost 12**

Loz is truly a part of my life now. I'm the happiest man in the world…

We got to Tifa/Rude's house at 6:30 sharp. The party only began at 7:00, so we went for a stroll to kill time. When we came back, Tifa let us in and brought us to the living room. There we found yet another man with silver hair, Vincent and Rude.

"Yazoo?" said Loz as we entered.

"Bless you." I said. Everyone glared at me.

"Loz?" the man asked.

"Yes, please." Said Tifa. I glared at her.

"Do you two know each other?" Rude asked, standing up to greet us.

"We're brothers."

"Yazoo, you can't tell Kadaj I'm here, please. Promise me Yazy? It will kill me if he finds out!" Loz exclaimed. I saw right there just how much this man cared for me.

"Hey, chill man. I won't tell him. Besides, I'm here with V.C Valentine which you better not tell him about either." He said with a grin.

"Call me V.C. Valentine once more and I'll slice your head off." Said Vincent, also grinning. The two laughed strangely.

There was a knocking at the door and Tifa stood up to answer it.

"Can I get you something to drink?" Rude asked us.

"I'll have a mojito." I said.

"Just Orangina for me." Loz said.

Rude looked puzzled at the requests and disappeared into the kitchen, returning with two beers which he handed to us silently. Just then, Tifa returned to the living room, followed by Reno, Rufus, Tseng, Elena, Yuffie and two women I didn't know.

"Hey, is that Barrett?" Reno whispered loudly to Rude who had come to greet the new guests.

"Yeah. Tifa invited him." Rude said, smirking.

"Yeah well he's with my brother so he must be cool guys, lay off." Yazoo said.

"Hey, what's the deal with that?" Yuffie cut in with her piercing, prepubescent voice. "Are you two, like, going out?" God I hate that girl. Fortunately Tifa stepped in before we could make a reply. I looked at Loz who was also looking uncomfortable and out of place.

"So, Reno." Tifa asked, "who are your friends?"

"Some people I had to say bye to before me and the others head back home. This is Nikki," he said, nodding at the girl to his right hand side, "And this is Ally." This group had dissembled around the room into various seats with the people they had brought or preferred. Reno lit up a cigarette with a strange odour as he sat down quite near us. I looked at it curiously and then I looked over at Loz beside me. He returned my stare and whispered:

"Barrett, try not to breathe in!!" Loz whispered frantically. I looked up again and noted Reno passing this cigarette on to Rude. No one else seemed to be noticing this strange activity as they continued talking within smaller groups. Suddenly something clicked in my brain.

"Reno, don't you know drugs are bad?? They could seriously affect your judgment cause short term memory loss!" I burst out suddenly. "Rufus! Surely you don't do drugs, say something, stand up for yourself! And Yuffie, aren't you like, twelve or something? This can't be good for you! Tseng, you're too smart for this kind of thing. All of you, say it with me. Drugs are bad." I finished my rant, panting. I must admit, I'm out of shape. I looked back at Loz who smiled in such a way that I knew it was all worth it. I looked around to see if anyone was applauding my speech. To my surprise, no one seemed to have even heard it.

"Hey Reno, can I see your pictures?" asked Rufus, seemingly unaware that I had addressed him just a moment before.

"Sure." Reno tossed him a digital camera and

"Yo, Rude," Reno said, "where's that sexy fiancé of yours?"

"Kitchen." Rude said, extinguishing the tiny cigarette and then giggling like I'd never seen before. They both laughed and the two of them went into the kitchen where I heard the sound of pots falling and more laughter. I looked at Loz with an embarrassed face that apologized for the awkward situation we were in.

"Yo, Lardass 1 and Lardass 2, you didn't answer me. Are you going out or what?" Yuffie asked myself and Loz, pulling her chair closer. I looked at Loz who nodded and we stood up without speaking and headed for the door. I needed to get out of that hell-hole. We stepped out into the warm summer air.

"Thanks. I really needed a walk. Those guys are such idiots." I said.

"Yeah, I don't see what the point of getting high or whatever they do is. I'm having a great time without drugs." He said in his chocolate brown voice.

"You're so sweet." I said. We walked in silence for some minutes.

"Have you ever been in love?" Loz asked me suddenly, taking my hand as we walked.

"Once. Well," I shivered, knowing this was a moment I would never forget. A feeling of amazing importance crept over me as I spoke, "twice. The first time was a few years ago, but that ended in sadness. You?"

"Never."

"Oh." We turned at the top of the street and headed back towards Tifa's house.

"What happened the second time?" he asked.

"Hmm?"

"The second time you fell in love. What happened?"

I grimaced, the question I'd wanted to avoid. We were nearly at Tifa's house. "It was with you, Loz. You're like no one I've ever met before. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He looked deep into my eyes.

"I feel the same way." He said. We stopped in front of Tifa's house, and brought his face closer to mine. He's wearing cologne, was the last thing I thought before our mouths met in a sudden clash of tongues, laced with the intensity that had been building since god knows when, perhaps since our very first meeting. Tremulously at first, and them with mounting passion, bumbling tongue met quivering tongue in the dance of love and the embrace of saliva. It was like fighting a war, but neither parties wanted to win for fear of it's end. The sweet sensation of honey seemed to gush from one set of lips to the other as his husky taste engulfed my limpid and spackled flavours. His ever intrudingly elusive saliva, lips, tongue and well garnished uvula expounded sensual perfection. His kiss was almost colloquial in deliverance, breaking the formal rules of love and presenting himself in the informal language that few have mastered.

After that, nothing mattered.

_It was perfect._


	5. Thar She Bloz The Pain Sets In

**July 31****st**

Loz invited me over today. Turns out he doesn't live with Kadaj which surprised me. He said he had something to talk to me about. He sounded pretty serious.

**July 31****st** – _10.15 PM_

He told me we shouldn't keep seeing each other but he still wants to. His reputation is at stake but he says he doesn't care. He told me he cares only a bout me and he's scared for me. If Kadaj finds out I've kissed his brother, he'll kill me. But I'm not scared as long as Loz loves me. And he does! We kissed again today. Let Kadaj come! He cannot defeat our love.

**August 1****st** _11:35 AM_

I think I might be gay. Today Loz didn't call. I called him but he said he couldn't talk, he was going out. I should get the kids from school for lunch soon… I wonder, should I make them soup for a change or stick with KD?

**August 2****nd** – _2:38 PM_

Loz couldn't talk on the phone again. He said he's busy all week. Why couldn't he have even said what he was doing? Is he seeing someone else? I'm going to call Tifa and ask her to come talk about it even though she's my X-friend…Grrrr she bothers me sometimes.

_5:14 PM_

Tifa said I shouldn't worry, that he's probably just busy. But Loz is never busy! Ever since I've known him he's never had any plans. He always spoke to me on the phone for hours. What's going on?

_6:18 PM_

I'm really confused. Doesn't he love me anymore? He told me once that he would love me as long as the passion in his heart stayed strong. And he said the passion in his heart would stay strong forever! Is he bored of me? Should I spice up our relationship?

**August 3****rd** – _6:40 PM_

I asked Tifa to help me plan an outfit for tonight. Tonight I'm going to Loz's house for a surprise visit. I feel like I haven't seen him in _forever_. So, I decided to come to him dressed up. Here's my outfit: My sailor hat and pants, but not the top. I borrowed the top from Tifa. It's black and it's very tight on me but it has a low neckline which makes it easier to breathe in. I hope I don't rip it. I chose this outfit because it really compliments my body and I think if Loz was mad or anything at me, this might make him reconsider. Well I'm going to put my makeup on now. Wish me luck!!

**August 3****rd**_**still**__ – midnight_.

He doesn't love me. I came to his house tonight looking very seductive and sexy. I rang his doorbell at about 7:30. When he answered, his eyes were bloodshot.

"Hey big boy." I said, in my most romantic voice. He looked terrified.

"What are you doing here?!" he demanded. "I told you I was busy all week. Please, leave now."

"But… but baby, why? Just tell me, please! Do you not love me anymore?" I asked, nearly crying. He just looked at me pleadingly. His mouth was drooped and he had a tear in his eye.

"Go. Please." He said and closed the door. I stood on his doorstep in shock for a few minutes, then walked away slowly. I bit my lip. _I can't cry_, I kept telling myself. Never the less, I felt my eyes slowly fill with tears. They began to sting so I blinked and a tear fell slowly down my cheek. It was so sudden. Just three days ago he said he loved me. This isn't the Loz I knew. I need to talk to someone but it's too late to call anyone.

_12:34 AM_

Loz always loved it when it was 12:34. Christ I can't stand this! I'm calling Tifa. I just can't be alone right now.

_12:41 AM_

I'm so depressed. I called Tifa but Rude picked up.

"Hey, it's Barrett. Is Tifa there?" I asked.

"Okay, hang on. First of all, its 12:30 AM and secondly it doesn't make it any better that you're calling for my fiancé. Now, apart from waking me up, you've woken Denzel and Tifa. Denzel is now crying because our ringtone scares him and Tifa is comforting him and I'm standing here, talking to you."

"I-"

"And well, since I'm already talking to you," Rude continued, "I'm curious as to why you so desperately needed to talk to my fiancé. If you weren't so very gay I'd be quite angry. Also, if you were Reno or Cloud, I guess I wouldn't _really _care, but I mean, you're just weird. You're not even really our friend. Goodnight." He said and hung up. I could hear Denzel crying loudly in the background. I feel awful. I'm going to drink myself to sleep.

**August 4** – _10:58 AM_

Crap. I just woke up now and I forgot to wake Marlene for school. I'll bring her to school after lunch with the other kids. Oh my god. I can't believe this is all really happening. It's like a nightmare. My life is just like before I met Loz but so much worse. Now I have had a taste of love but I can't have anymore! I can't stand this. I've got to call Tifa.

_11:30 AM_

Tifa's so sweet. Maybe I won't call her my ex-friend anymore. She's coming over after the kids go back to lunch.

"Hey Tifa, is Rude there?" I asked as I called her.

"You want to talk to Rude?" She said, confused.

"No, no. He's just mad at me so I don't want him to know I'm calling."

"He's working."

"Okay, well I really need to talk to you. Wanna come over after the kids eat?"

"Sure. Oh, by the way, Cloud's having _another_ dinner party. He wants to show us this dance tape he made and he asked me to invite you."

"Another? Sure, when is it?" I asked.

"Um... tomorrow actually. He's been planning it for ages but we kept forgetting to tell you."

"Oh, okay. So I'll see you soon?"

"Yep. Byeeee!" She hung up the phone.

What's with all these dinner parties? Oh no! Look at the time! I better go get Denzel, Cheswick and Crispin from school.

_7:20 PM_

Tifa and I ate ice cream and watched The Notebook and the Sound of Music which made me cry. I told her everything. She doesn't think I should be alone right now, knowing my history of depression. She offered to sleep over but I'm so scared of Rude I said no. I'm going to call Cloud and say I'm not going to the party. Ugh, wait. Tifa made me promise I would go. I'm sooo not in the mood for it… but maybe it will cheer me up.

_9:08 PM_

I just want to die. I want to end it all, but there's still hope that Loz is just being weird. Maybe it's a phase. I'm going to call him. Poor Marlene. She doesn't deserve this. I must be strong, for her sake at least.

_9:14 PM_

Loz didn't answer. I listened to the answering machine message just to hear his voice. I'm all out of booze, I don't know what to do. All I have is tequila, I guess I can try that.

_11:48 PM_

Is Yuffie Mexican?

_11:50 PM_

No, no I'm pretty sure she isn't.


	6. This is the End

**August 5****th** – 3:38 PM

Tifa is coming over in 20 minutes and we'll go to the party together. I think Rude's coming over too. Marlene's been in her room all day… I hope she's alight.

_3:25 AM_

So Tifa and Rude came for drinks except I realized I don't have any anymore. Fortunately Marlene had bought some apple juice with her allowance that we drank. Rude didn't seem very sympathetic when Tifa explained my problem. He doesn't seem to say very much.

We got to the part to find we were the last to arrive.

"Great, that's all 17 of us!" Cloud shouted as we arrived. I looked around to see who else was there. I counted 17 including myself. I was surprised to see Marlene there, as I was quite sure she had been in her room when we had left. There was also Denzel, Tseng, a girl I didn't know with him, Vincent, Yazoo, Kandie, Hojo, Kadaj, Yuffie (euugh), Elena, Cid, Shera and of course me, Cloud, Tifa and Rude. I walked around, saying hello to the few people I knew well, then stood and talked to Cloud.

"I had this great idea for my party," Cloud told me, "we should do it right now." He shouted to get everyone's attention.

"Okay, listen up everyone!" the room quieted. "We're going to get into pairs and do this dance thing I made up. You'll love it I promise." He shouted. There was a grumbling from some people at the idea. "I made this dance video and you guys all have to try it, please. Everyone, grab a partner!"

"This is gay." I told him but he just laughed and paired himself up with Kadaj.

"Hey Tifa, wanna be my pardner?" I asked, but I noticed Rude standing near her and backed away. He's very tall, I never noticed before. "Hey, Vincent, partner?" I asked.

"No way man. I'm sorry but Yazoo like totally claimed me, man."

"Hey Yuffie, wanna dance?" I asked, trying not to gag as I spoke.

"Sorry! I've got Elena with me! Sorry! Did I hurt your feelings?? I'm so sorry-" she called back to me as she walked away.

"Hey, Marlene! Wanna dance with daddy?"

She shook her head and Denzel glared at me.

"Is everyone ready?" asked Cloud. They were. I was the odd one out, the number 17 of the party. And would you believe it, they all found the dance so much fun it lasted most of the night. I sat in the corner and watched, pretending to smile. I want to die.

**August 6** – 7:30 AM

It's a Sunday. It would be our 3rd week anniversary today. I remember my first diary entry about him. I miss his cute little butt and his husky voice. I'm going to the cemetery later. I know Loz will show up. I think he's only been avoiding me because of Kadaj. He's going to show up, I know it. I'll call him one more time.

_7:48 AM_

No answer. I'm going to make breakfast and then head over to Ekklestone. I hope he's alright. What if he's sick? Yazoo or Kadaj probably would have mentioned it. And why didn't Kadaj care about Vincent and Yazoo last night? Is Vincent better than me?

_5:18 PM_

He didn't come. He either knew I was here or he's sick. I just called Vincent. He's going to ask Yazoo if Loz is sick and call back. I know he always goes to the cemetery and he knows that I know. If he's not sick it means for sure he's avoiding me. Was it something I did? Did he ever really love me? Am I just one of his millions of lovers? Did he just use me? I can't take it. Phone's ringing.

_5:19 PM_

Loz isn't sick. Yazoo's seen him twice this week. Yesterday, in fact. I'm going to sleep now.

**August 7****th** 12:34 PM

I'm ending it. I left this message on Loz's answering machine: _Dear Loz, maybe you loved me, maybe you never really did, I don't know. All I do know is that you don't love me anymore. I tried to live without you but I can't. I'm sorry to have hurt you if I did in anyway. Goodbye, forever __your__ Barrett. _

Goodbye dear diary, thank you for being here when I needed you…

Barrett put down his diary as he finished reading through it and writing his last entry. He picked up his unwrapped razor and slit his wrists. He looked numbly into the pooling blood around him for sometime, then he felt dizzy. He sat down. _This is it_, he thought. He wondered if Loz would even notice.

He hoped Marlene wouldn't be the one to find him.

Suddenly he heard voices. _I must be dying_, he thought. He heard Marlene's voice but couldn't make out any words. _That's nice, Marlene's voice will be the last voice I hear. _Then he heard another voice.

It was deep. Husky. _Oh Loz! Must you haunt me even as I am dying?? _ He thought, his vision growing dimmer with every second. There was a sound from behind the bathroom door and then it splinted as Loz punched through it.

"You…….. came." Was the last thing Barrett said before he passed out.

"Marlene! Call an ambulance!" Shouted Loz, wiping tears and blood from his face as he cradled Barrett's head desperately. "Barrett! It's gonna be alright. Just hold on, Barrett! Stay with me! I love you, I've always loved you. Kadaj made me stop! He said if he ever saw us together again he'd kill you! He meant it too, oh Barrett I just wanted to protect you and have you safe. He heard about us kissing, it's not my fault, I don't know how. I heard the message. I would've come here even sooner but Kadaj tried to stop me!" he pulled the bleeding Barrett closer to him as he spoke, "Just hang on, buddy, just hold on to me."

He heard the ambulance pulling up in the driveway. He heard the paramedics coming, but they weren't fast enough! He brought his face down to the bloody man he loved and pressed his lips against Barrett's. Barrett's eyes flickered and opened. He managed a weak smile that forgave Loz of everything. The paramedics climbed through the splintered door frame and began to work on him. Loz smiled. He knew they would pull through together.

_Fin._


End file.
